 |
| (L to R) Matt Schneider and Lance Somerfeld with their families |
In a study released on June 9, by Unilever, 74 percent of fathers are responsible for the emotional well being of their children and 51 percent of dads take care of their children's daily needs, but only 20 percent of fathers see their roles reflected accurately in today's media. According to the study, the answer to the question as to whether or not fathers are portrayed accurately by the media would be a glaring "no".
Dove Men+Care, a subsidiary of Unilever Skincare, launched a campaign that coincided with the release of Unilever's study, entitled "Calls For Dad". The Campaign, featuring a short film that debuted on the Today Show, spotlights fathers and kids in the most touching moments of daily life that are too often ignored by the media. Speaking with Fatherhood Experts, Matt Schneider and Lance Somerfeld who are the co-founders of City Dads Group, this writer sought to find out what effective fatherhood looks like and how the media can up its game to portray a true reflection of the modern day dad.
The Daily Dose: What does it take to be an effective father?
Matt Schneider: We need to elevate the bar and jump in right away for those everyday dad duties - whether it's changing diapers, fixing dinner, or doing laundry. It's really about being a part of simple, everyday aspects of your family. Certainly as your kids get older, it's also about sharing with them stories about yourself, lessons from your own life, and helping them think about what kind of adults they want to be. We're raising adults, not children, and dads have a really important impact on how our children are going to turn out.
Lance Somerfeld: I agree with Matt. Getting involved early on from the delivery room and even taking time off in the beginning is important. My best advice is to be present on the home front - whether that's being a good parenting partner, navigating the journey together or helping feed or soothe. This also plays a lot into the new Dove Men+Care research, which states that dads agree that being a good father also means being a good husband or partner. We spent so much time caring for our children that we sometimes forget that it's equally important to be a good husband.
Does the media's negative portrayal of fatherhood impede upon effective fathering?
Matt: Without a question, yes. Pop culture has an impact on how people see themselves and how they live their lives. For example, we were just at the White House Working Families Summit, and I was saying that I watched Bill Cosby and Family Ties growing up, and for me, those were the TV dads I thought about as I become a father. People growing up now have Homer Simpson, A, Bundy, and all of those other doofus dads on TV now. These buffoons in TV are a cue for people - including kids, wives, and dads. Luckily, I think the tide is turning. I see so many more positive portrayals like in the show Parenthood. Every dad on that show is a real dad and he struggles like we do - whether its work or family life, with a divorce, or even a child thrust into his life. It's an accurate portrayal, and I think more and more TV shows/commercials will portray dads as they really are - not as heroes or buffoons, but as human beings.
Lance: I'm with Matt. Inaccurate, incompetent media labels are something that we like to steer people away from. To see major media outlets like the Today Show put on an entire week dedicated to positive portrayals of dad is amazing. Just as the new Pew research says more dads are choosing their role as a primary caregiver as a choice (not as a result of the economic downturn) and organizations like the Boston College Center for Work and Family and Families and Work Institute continue to talk up the 21st century dad, we keep raising the bar for dads, and that's what we are striving for. Right now, the bar that people have set for fathers is woefully low, and so we're asking the media to elevate their expectations for dads. We can deliver - we just need a chance, and I'd like to see this beyond the month of June. The role of dad as competent and caring should be happening throughout the year on all channels, and more media attention about this is a positive thing because it's becoming more socially acceptable to be an active hands-on dad. Also worth mentioning, those dads not tuned in with their family and present at children's activities are becoming the outliers.
With the media's negative portrayal of dads, do you feel that this feeds into the cycle of absentee fathering?
Matt: The best chance we have is to change the stigma and make it so that people realize that they're missing out if they're not taking care of their kids. We need to figure out a way to change things with ideas like mentorship programs, but it's also an opportunity for pop culture. Pop culture mirrors society, but society also mirrors pop culture, and within that, there is an opportunity for change. It would be nice to see some positive portrayals of dads that may be struggle with being an absentee father and them finding their way.
Lance: This reminds me of the White House Summit on Working Families, which used the absentee father as a linchpin for guys NOT to be that type of dad. If anything, it's motivated many guys to be integrated in their kid's lives. If you didn't have an involved dad growing up, you can still look to other role models like grandparents or moms. Guys should use this as the ammo for the type of dad they want to be, not the one that they didn't have.
What do you feel needs to change in media so that father's can feel validated?
Matt: Dads don't need to be validated. They need to be portrayed as they really are. Its important to show and tell the stories of dads that are active and engaged in their kid's lives because dad can identify with that and be inspired (and so can moms!).
Lance: I think what needs to change in media is for fathers to be portrayed as more realistic. We need more campaigns, commercials, and TV shows that highlight those everyday real dad moments - dropping kids off at school, making lunches, styling their daughters hair, or doing a load of laundry. The more we see these "real dad moments" in marketing campaigns, the more it'll change the landscape of how dads will be featured in the media. I do think this is slowly shifting and being integrated into media, and this Father's Day has been a real testament to what we hope to see for the entire year.
With a long departure from "traditional" parenting roles, how can we best support men who strive to be the best dads that they can?
Matt and Lance - Our best advice for this is to:
- PUSH IN & BEWARE THE GATEKEEPER PHENOMENON: Often times, new moms feel and behave as if they are the only ones who can properly care for their newborns, and they push everyone away, including dad. Our advice is to push in and stand your ground by finding those times where you can assert yourself and remind mom that there's more than one right way to care for the baby and both parents have something valuable to offer. The learning curve is steep - set the precedent to participate fully and bond with the baby to support your partner!
- FIND A GROUP: Use this opportunity to talk and learn from other dads. It'll make a huge difference to have a support group (whether online or offline).
-
USE YOUR BENEFITS: Talk to HR or your supervisor and be transparent that being a father is going to be very important to you. Find out your benefits as you're launching into this new journey and take paid time off or even some vacation days if paid time isn't available. Try to get out of the antiquated "stealth mentality" and be open about making this new family dynamic work - whether its creating a flexible schedule, going in a little late to work to spend time with your kids in the morning or leaving a little earlier more frequently so you're home for dinnertime.
To learn more about the Dove Men+Care "Calls For Dad" campaign, please visit Dove's Real Dad Moments. A special thank you to Matt Schneider and Lance Somerfeld for taking the time to share precious advice. To all fathers, no matter how you arrived in that role, Happy Father's Day!
Matt Schneider lives with his wife and two sons in New York City. He has contributed to The Huffington Post, Quartz, New York Family Magazine, TimeToPlayMag.com and has been quoted in The New York Times, USA Today, Bloomberg Businessweek, and CBS Sunday Morning with Charles Osgood. Matt hosts The Modern Dads Podcast, a monthly show highlighting stories of 21st century dads and families.
Lance Somerfeld lives with his wife and son in New York City. He frequently contributes to the conversation about modern fatherhood, work-life balance, shifting gender roles, and brand's marketing to dads. He has appeared on local and national television, including CNN, Today and Katie. He has been quoted by The New York Times, Wall Street Journal, USA Today, GQ, Parenting and The Atlantic.
